It's me again

This is actually my second attempt to write this blog and maybe my first attempt wasn't exactly what God wanted me to share. I'm a little agitated that I spent the time and now I have to redo it so this is what I say. When you walk away from the Lord it's harder to get back because the road is different. We tried it go back the way we came but it looks different sounds different the markers are all gone. So now it's A New Path and a New Journey. You have to rely on what you learned the first time around. I remember the saying about insanity and doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I guess I've been expecting different results. I've always said that I wanted to be transparent and that has been consistent for me. For those of you that have followed my life or shall I say have stuck by me, you have seen the changes that I've been through. I definitely blame no one but myself for the choices that I have made. I haven't made all bad choices, some of them have been improper timing, inappropriate situation, or just absolutely a bad decision. I thank God for His grace and mercy because He loves me in spite of myself. He said he would never leave me nor forsake me. He said that I am his child, his beloved. You just can't beat that and he just can't help but believe that. But what I struggle with the most is believing that I am worthy of even receiving this infinite mercy and Grace. I have to just continue to take the little bit of faith but I do have and hold on because he said he would Rescue Me. I've learned one thing you cannot work your way to heaven and no matter what anyone thinks or says this journey is totally about transformation. Sure I've been in the vein of Christian Life but what is Christian Life really about? My interpretation is that it's about allowing the spirit of God to penetrate your very being to allow his word to not only transform your mind but your whole existence. It means that you learn to live in this broken world but you learn not to become like it. Perfection doesn't come here but pressing towards the mark is what my goal should be. I remember a song from Whitney Houston that said learning to love ourselves is The Greatest Love of All. I agree... We have to love ourselves enough to allow ourselves to be loved. I think that's where I fall short is that I love people so hard that I left no room for myself hoping that someone else would love me back just as much.  Unrealistic expectations again. That's what got me in trouble before. So again I'm being transparent and allowing my fears to be exposed. Please continue to pray.