I remember when I use to change the color scheme in my house to match the seasons. Change has always been good for me because I become bored easily. There are a few areas in my life that I like to see pretty constant though....my family, my relationships and my walk with the Lord. So much for what I like. Change is here and I have no clue on how to handle it. I struggle to pray for myself or even read the Word for myself. Now if I see someone else in need I can search out the scriptures and pray for them easily. There is a very familiar scripture that haunts me from Mark 8:36 "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?" It's no good whatsoever. God wants me too and I know it. If no one else wants me He will always want me. I just don't feel worthy of that want.
So....regardless of my feelings of inadequacy, I really need to allow Him to help me. Something inside of me is fighting so hard against surrendering. Even as I write I feel this overwhelming resistance. Spiritual warfare? You betcha. God knows this warrior is seriously wounded and that the vultures are trying to devour me because I cannot defend myself. I am going to ask some of my closest friends and prayer warriors to pray for my covering. That's all I can do at this point.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Relief
Needless to say I am still not as stable as I would like to be. Sometimes I want to just run a million miles without stopping and other times I just want to sit and do absolutely nothing. I don't know about you but this is such a funky place to be. I do realize though that God is allowing me to be here until either I get what He is trying to show me or until He is ready to move.
Today I had a chance to work on some of my "vacation homework" for school. Sitting in Starbucks can either be very soothing or distracting. Today....I was definitely distracted. I am almost scared to go back to school because I don't feel focused at all. Telling myself to stay focused is.....crazy. How can you possibly tell yourself any such thing when everything around you is caving in (remember that I did say when I started blogging that I would be transparent)?
For the past three years I have been obsessed with saving my own life and circumstances, forgetting that I am really NOT in control. Sure, I can participate but ultimately those involved must be in agreement or it will fail (Amos 3:3 Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?) My direction and plan has to line up with God's or I will continue to face these heart wrenching obstacles. Easier said than done of course. I feel like I am fighting this never ending battle with sanity. Not the "going crazy" kind of sanity but the "right choices" kind of sanity. Just because it is a good choice does not mean that it is the right choice. Learning to be a nurse has taught me that oh so well.
One good thing I have been able to do is minister to others periodically through my pain and struggle. I think that's what God wants me to do. It tends to remind me that there are many others who are hurting and struggling with life who don't have the support system that I have. Being honest...raw....just absolutely transparent to them seems to bring things into perspective. Even though I don't feel real helpful I know that my experiences when shared with others may keep them from making the same mistakes that I have made along the way. Encouraging them NOT to take their eyes off of the Lord because when they do....all hell breaks loose. Literally! Ecclesiastes 4:12 says it best: "though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." When in any type of relationship we need to apply this scripture because if we don't then we are functioning without our "antivirus."
How would you feel if you were in a business partnership for almost 15 years and suddenly your business partner decided he/she no longer wanted to go in the direction you were going? What if all of your plans suddenly go down the drain and you have no "recovery plan"? It happens everyday in Corporate America and let me tell you, many of those "partners" never recover. Part of me says, "PUSH!" The other part says, "HOW, I have no strength left!" It's easy to tell someone to "look to Jesus" when you are not wearing their shoes (2 sizes too small and 100 miles to go). Pity is not what I want. An answer, a direction......relief!
Today I had a chance to work on some of my "vacation homework" for school. Sitting in Starbucks can either be very soothing or distracting. Today....I was definitely distracted. I am almost scared to go back to school because I don't feel focused at all. Telling myself to stay focused is.....crazy. How can you possibly tell yourself any such thing when everything around you is caving in (remember that I did say when I started blogging that I would be transparent)?
For the past three years I have been obsessed with saving my own life and circumstances, forgetting that I am really NOT in control. Sure, I can participate but ultimately those involved must be in agreement or it will fail (Amos 3:3 Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?) My direction and plan has to line up with God's or I will continue to face these heart wrenching obstacles. Easier said than done of course. I feel like I am fighting this never ending battle with sanity. Not the "going crazy" kind of sanity but the "right choices" kind of sanity. Just because it is a good choice does not mean that it is the right choice. Learning to be a nurse has taught me that oh so well.
One good thing I have been able to do is minister to others periodically through my pain and struggle. I think that's what God wants me to do. It tends to remind me that there are many others who are hurting and struggling with life who don't have the support system that I have. Being honest...raw....just absolutely transparent to them seems to bring things into perspective. Even though I don't feel real helpful I know that my experiences when shared with others may keep them from making the same mistakes that I have made along the way. Encouraging them NOT to take their eyes off of the Lord because when they do....all hell breaks loose. Literally! Ecclesiastes 4:12 says it best: "though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." When in any type of relationship we need to apply this scripture because if we don't then we are functioning without our "antivirus."
How would you feel if you were in a business partnership for almost 15 years and suddenly your business partner decided he/she no longer wanted to go in the direction you were going? What if all of your plans suddenly go down the drain and you have no "recovery plan"? It happens everyday in Corporate America and let me tell you, many of those "partners" never recover. Part of me says, "PUSH!" The other part says, "HOW, I have no strength left!" It's easy to tell someone to "look to Jesus" when you are not wearing their shoes (2 sizes too small and 100 miles to go). Pity is not what I want. An answer, a direction......relief!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Begin Again
Starting again is really difficult for me. I have tried to put it all together in my mind but it all goes back to how did I end. Starting over, starting over. Oh my gosh! Do I really have to? Absolutely, I tell myself over and over again but it just doesn't make it any easier. It makes no sense to hate or absorb myself in bitterness and resentment. It is all energy zapping and I cannot afford to give up any excess energy.
For the past few months I created this place of safety in my mind. This was a place I could go when it all just got to be too much. Eventually I found that it really wasn't a safe place but a dangerous place. All of my emotions where being masked and mistaken for joy and a lot of "I'm ok's" when I really wasn't. Now, the mask is off. I 'm not playing that game anymore.
Haven't you wanted to say the same thing? How many times have you put on the brave face just not to look like a fool (as you thought)? No more for me. No more mask and no more lands of make believe. You can take me as I am or not. Plain and simple.
My focus for now is school and my children. How do I help them to heal and grow in a healthy manner. Life hurts and it can make us stronger or it can negatively alter us for the rest of our lives. God keeps reminding me that I am not my own but I keep taking Me back. This time it is harder to submit to His will. This time it's harder to trust. Not because of something He has done but because of something I did not. I did not look to Him when I felt myslef going down the tube. I did not look to Him when I needed wisdom and power to make important decisions in my life. I died. I became this empty shell needing to be filled but kept allowing myself to be filled with emptiness (if that makes sense).
Tuning in and standing by is what needs to happen. Can I do it? The Bible says I can but do I believe it? The feelings of urgency are overwhelming but that quiet little voice keeps telling me, "You can do this if you let me...lead." Trust me, that "me" is not me but Him.
For the past few months I created this place of safety in my mind. This was a place I could go when it all just got to be too much. Eventually I found that it really wasn't a safe place but a dangerous place. All of my emotions where being masked and mistaken for joy and a lot of "I'm ok's" when I really wasn't. Now, the mask is off. I 'm not playing that game anymore.
Haven't you wanted to say the same thing? How many times have you put on the brave face just not to look like a fool (as you thought)? No more for me. No more mask and no more lands of make believe. You can take me as I am or not. Plain and simple.
My focus for now is school and my children. How do I help them to heal and grow in a healthy manner. Life hurts and it can make us stronger or it can negatively alter us for the rest of our lives. God keeps reminding me that I am not my own but I keep taking Me back. This time it is harder to submit to His will. This time it's harder to trust. Not because of something He has done but because of something I did not. I did not look to Him when I felt myslef going down the tube. I did not look to Him when I needed wisdom and power to make important decisions in my life. I died. I became this empty shell needing to be filled but kept allowing myself to be filled with emptiness (if that makes sense).
Tuning in and standing by is what needs to happen. Can I do it? The Bible says I can but do I believe it? The feelings of urgency are overwhelming but that quiet little voice keeps telling me, "You can do this if you let me...lead." Trust me, that "me" is not me but Him.
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