Begin Again

Starting again is really difficult for me.  I have tried to put it all together in my mind but it all goes back to how did I end.  Starting over, starting over.  Oh my gosh!  Do I really have to?  Absolutely, I tell myself over and over again but it just doesn't make it any easier.  It makes no sense to hate or absorb myself in bitterness and resentment.  It is all energy zapping and I cannot afford to give up any excess energy. 

For the past few months I created this place of safety in my mind. This was a place I could go when it all just got to be too much.  Eventually I found that it really wasn't a safe place but a dangerous place.  All of my emotions where being masked and mistaken for joy and a lot of "I'm ok's" when I really wasn't.  Now, the mask is off.  I 'm not playing that game anymore.

Haven't you wanted to say the same thing?  How many times have you put on the brave face just not to look like a fool (as you thought)?  No more for me.  No more mask and no more lands of make believe.  You can take me as I am or not.  Plain and simple.

My focus for now is school and my children.  How do I help them to heal and grow in a healthy manner.  Life hurts and it can make us stronger or it can negatively alter us for the rest of our lives.  God keeps reminding me that I am not my own but I keep taking Me back.  This time it is harder to submit to His will.  This time it's harder to trust.  Not because of something He has done but because of something I did not.  I did not look to Him when I felt myslef going down the tube.  I did not look to Him when I needed wisdom and power to make important decisions in my life.  I died.  I became this empty shell needing to be filled but kept allowing myself to be filled with emptiness (if that makes sense). 

Tuning in and standing by is what needs to happen.  Can I do it?  The Bible says I can but do I believe it?  The feelings of urgency are overwhelming but that quiet little voice keeps telling me, "You can do this if you let me...lead."  Trust me, that "me" is not me but Him.