Relief

Needless to say I am still not as stable as I would like to be.  Sometimes I want to just run a million miles without stopping and other times I just want to sit and do absolutely nothing.  I don't know about you but this is such a funky place to be.  I do realize though that God is allowing me to be here until either I get what He is trying to show me or until He is ready to move.

Today I had a chance to work on some of my "vacation homework" for school.  Sitting in Starbucks can either be very soothing or distracting.  Today....I was definitely distracted.  I am almost scared to go back to school because I don't feel focused at all.  Telling myself to stay focused is.....crazy.  How can you possibly tell yourself any such thing when everything around you is caving in (remember that I did say when I started blogging that I would be transparent)? 

For the past three years I have been obsessed with saving my own life and circumstances, forgetting that I am really NOT in control.  Sure, I can participate but ultimately those involved must be in agreement or it will fail (Amos 3:3 Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?)  My direction and plan has to line up with God's or I will continue to face these heart wrenching obstacles.  Easier said than done of course.  I feel like I am fighting this never ending battle with sanity.  Not the "going crazy" kind of sanity but the "right choices" kind of sanity.  Just because it is a good choice does not mean that it is the right choice.  Learning to be a nurse has taught me that oh so well. 

One good thing I have been able to do is minister to others periodically through my pain and struggle.  I think that's what God wants me to do.  It tends to remind me that there are many others who are hurting and struggling with life who don't have the support system that I have.  Being honest...raw....just absolutely transparent to them seems to bring things into perspective.  Even though I don't feel real helpful I know that my experiences when shared with others may keep them from making the same mistakes that I have made along the way.  Encouraging them NOT to take their eyes off of the Lord because when they do....all hell breaks loose.  Literally!  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says it best: "though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." When in any type of relationship we need to apply this scripture because if we don't then we are functioning without our "antivirus." 

How would you feel if you were in a business partnership for almost 15 years and suddenly your business partner decided he/she no longer wanted to go in the direction you were going?  What if all of your plans suddenly go down the drain and you have no "recovery plan"?  It happens everyday in Corporate America and let me tell you, many of those "partners" never recover.  Part of me says, "PUSH!"  The other part says, "HOW, I have no strength left!"  It's easy to tell someone to "look to Jesus" when you are not wearing their shoes (2 sizes too small and 100 miles to go).  Pity is not what I want.  An answer, a direction......relief!