"Oh no, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, you never let go.  Every high and every low. Oh no, you never let go. Lord, you never let go of me."

Those words ring in my ear as I return home from a wonderful night with some of my "Posse Girls."  They really know how to keep me straight and God knows how to remind me that His hand is still on me.  How often I forget who I belong to.  I guess that is part of the brokenness.......Forgetting Whose I am. 

Today was good....and sad.  I had a chance to go walking with some friends and I was reminded that I need to suck it up and get busy.  How terribly hard is that when you feel like your soul is missing.  Having to sell everything and move is really difficult right now.  I know that I have to do it but it is so final.  I am so tired of moving.  I want longevity in many areas of my life and I want to be reconnected with my Lord. 

"Life is too short to spend time with people that suck the happiness out of you."  I read that today on a facebook posting.  I totally agree but I keep finding myself in those types of relationships.  Why?  That is probably one of the many questions I have for God.  What about this one, "Lord, why did you allow me to get to this place when I gave my life to you?"  Another good question left unanswered at this point.  Maybe he is allowing me to be sifted.  Not because I am holy or such a good christian.  Maybe it's because I need to see just how weak I am without him.  I don't know

I dare you to love

Wow, what a crazy night. I observed two men fighting over a woman. Both of these men were wrong. They had been longtime friends and to my understanding one decided to mess with the other man's woman. But to take it to the point of wanting to physically harm someone is ridiculous. This is what our world has come to. We're not fighting for morality, Justice, love or peace. We're fighting over choices that other people make for themselves. Why aren't we putting that much energy into things that matter. It makes me so sad to see all that's going on just in our nation. We have a ridiculous political debates, our leaders and supposed protectors have gone so far to the left that sometimes I think there's no turning back. God told us about this stuff. He said that men will be lovers of themselves, thst children would kill and disrespect their parents, and that there would be wars on top of wars. This was spoken thousands of years ago. How can we not believe that God is God. Sometimes I just sit and become so sad just watching the news. So much sin and no love for God. Sometimes I just sit and just say to myself all I want to do is love and be loved. I realize that you don't even have to do anything to anyone for them to dislike you. I remember one of my schoolmates in nursing school telling me there was nothing that I had done to them it was just that they did not like me. What kind of mess is that. But it's all good because the heart that God has given me will never change. Today I'm asking those of you that have an opportunity to read my blog to please take a moment today and love on someone. Maybe it's a hug. Maybe it's a kind gesture or compliment. Maybe even a simple prayer. Sometimes life can be so overwhelming that we can't even pray for ourselves. And what about that person that snaps at you. Maybe they just need some love and kindness in their life and you have been afforded the opportunity to make a difference. It's really not that difficult it's just that our pride gets in the way and our feelings get hurt. But this is not about feelings, it's about love. Like that old song says what the world needs now is love sweet love... That's exactly what it needs love sweet love. I dare you to show an expression of Love Today. Is it in you? Comment and share how God allowed you to love.

It's me again

This is actually my second attempt to write this blog and maybe my first attempt wasn't exactly what God wanted me to share. I'm a little agitated that I spent the time and now I have to redo it so this is what I say. When you walk away from the Lord it's harder to get back because the road is different. We tried it go back the way we came but it looks different sounds different the markers are all gone. So now it's A New Path and a New Journey. You have to rely on what you learned the first time around. I remember the saying about insanity and doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I guess I've been expecting different results. I've always said that I wanted to be transparent and that has been consistent for me. For those of you that have followed my life or shall I say have stuck by me, you have seen the changes that I've been through. I definitely blame no one but myself for the choices that I have made. I haven't made all bad choices, some of them have been improper timing, inappropriate situation, or just absolutely a bad decision. I thank God for His grace and mercy because He loves me in spite of myself. He said he would never leave me nor forsake me. He said that I am his child, his beloved. You just can't beat that and he just can't help but believe that. But what I struggle with the most is believing that I am worthy of even receiving this infinite mercy and Grace. I have to just continue to take the little bit of faith but I do have and hold on because he said he would Rescue Me. I've learned one thing you cannot work your way to heaven and no matter what anyone thinks or says this journey is totally about transformation. Sure I've been in the vein of Christian Life but what is Christian Life really about? My interpretation is that it's about allowing the spirit of God to penetrate your very being to allow his word to not only transform your mind but your whole existence. It means that you learn to live in this broken world but you learn not to become like it. Perfection doesn't come here but pressing towards the mark is what my goal should be. I remember a song from Whitney Houston that said learning to love ourselves is The Greatest Love of All. I agree... We have to love ourselves enough to allow ourselves to be loved. I think that's where I fall short is that I love people so hard that I left no room for myself hoping that someone else would love me back just as much.  Unrealistic expectations again. That's what got me in trouble before. So again I'm being transparent and allowing my fears to be exposed. Please continue to pray.

Get Happy

It's been a long time since I could sit down and share happy thoughts.  "Happy Thoughts!"  This is such a hugh step in the right direction.  After four years of agonizing pain I can actually say I am experiencing some happy moments in my life again.  I can laugh with my kids, my friends and myself.  Having awesome people in your life really makes a difference.  Posse Girls...you rock.  Tre, D, Andre, Fran.....Wow, you have tickled my funny bone. 

So today I am reflecting on some new movement in my life.  Focusing on staying true to who I am and allowing happiness and prosperity to follow.  Reestablishing my relationship with God is definitely at the top of my list.  The damage has been so severe that I almost thought I would not be able to rise above it.  Thank you Lord for continuously blessing me and helping me through this hard times.  Even when I didn't think You were there.  Thank you for old friends and new friends.

Getting ready for the new season!

I remember when I use to change the color scheme in my house to match the seasons.  Change has always been good for me because I become bored easily.  There are a few areas in my life that I like to see pretty constant though....my family, my relationships and my walk with the Lord.  So much for what I like.  Change is here and I have no clue on how to handle it.  I struggle to pray for myself or even read the Word for myself.  Now if I see someone else in need I can search out the scriptures and pray for them easily.  There is a very familiar scripture that haunts me from Mark 8:36 "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?"  It's no good whatsoever.  God wants me too and I know it.  If no one else wants me He will always want me.  I just don't feel worthy of that want.

So....regardless of my feelings of inadequacy, I really need to allow Him to help me.  Something inside of me is fighting so hard against surrendering.  Even as I write I feel this overwhelming resistance.  Spiritual warfare? You betcha.  God knows this warrior is seriously wounded and that the vultures are trying to devour me because I cannot defend myself.  I am going to ask some of my closest friends and prayer warriors to pray for my covering.  That's all I can do at this point.

Relief

Needless to say I am still not as stable as I would like to be.  Sometimes I want to just run a million miles without stopping and other times I just want to sit and do absolutely nothing.  I don't know about you but this is such a funky place to be.  I do realize though that God is allowing me to be here until either I get what He is trying to show me or until He is ready to move.

Today I had a chance to work on some of my "vacation homework" for school.  Sitting in Starbucks can either be very soothing or distracting.  Today....I was definitely distracted.  I am almost scared to go back to school because I don't feel focused at all.  Telling myself to stay focused is.....crazy.  How can you possibly tell yourself any such thing when everything around you is caving in (remember that I did say when I started blogging that I would be transparent)? 

For the past three years I have been obsessed with saving my own life and circumstances, forgetting that I am really NOT in control.  Sure, I can participate but ultimately those involved must be in agreement or it will fail (Amos 3:3 Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?)  My direction and plan has to line up with God's or I will continue to face these heart wrenching obstacles.  Easier said than done of course.  I feel like I am fighting this never ending battle with sanity.  Not the "going crazy" kind of sanity but the "right choices" kind of sanity.  Just because it is a good choice does not mean that it is the right choice.  Learning to be a nurse has taught me that oh so well. 

One good thing I have been able to do is minister to others periodically through my pain and struggle.  I think that's what God wants me to do.  It tends to remind me that there are many others who are hurting and struggling with life who don't have the support system that I have.  Being honest...raw....just absolutely transparent to them seems to bring things into perspective.  Even though I don't feel real helpful I know that my experiences when shared with others may keep them from making the same mistakes that I have made along the way.  Encouraging them NOT to take their eyes off of the Lord because when they do....all hell breaks loose.  Literally!  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says it best: "though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." When in any type of relationship we need to apply this scripture because if we don't then we are functioning without our "antivirus." 

How would you feel if you were in a business partnership for almost 15 years and suddenly your business partner decided he/she no longer wanted to go in the direction you were going?  What if all of your plans suddenly go down the drain and you have no "recovery plan"?  It happens everyday in Corporate America and let me tell you, many of those "partners" never recover.  Part of me says, "PUSH!"  The other part says, "HOW, I have no strength left!"  It's easy to tell someone to "look to Jesus" when you are not wearing their shoes (2 sizes too small and 100 miles to go).  Pity is not what I want.  An answer, a direction......relief!

Begin Again

Starting again is really difficult for me.  I have tried to put it all together in my mind but it all goes back to how did I end.  Starting over, starting over.  Oh my gosh!  Do I really have to?  Absolutely, I tell myself over and over again but it just doesn't make it any easier.  It makes no sense to hate or absorb myself in bitterness and resentment.  It is all energy zapping and I cannot afford to give up any excess energy. 

For the past few months I created this place of safety in my mind. This was a place I could go when it all just got to be too much.  Eventually I found that it really wasn't a safe place but a dangerous place.  All of my emotions where being masked and mistaken for joy and a lot of "I'm ok's" when I really wasn't.  Now, the mask is off.  I 'm not playing that game anymore.

Haven't you wanted to say the same thing?  How many times have you put on the brave face just not to look like a fool (as you thought)?  No more for me.  No more mask and no more lands of make believe.  You can take me as I am or not.  Plain and simple.

My focus for now is school and my children.  How do I help them to heal and grow in a healthy manner.  Life hurts and it can make us stronger or it can negatively alter us for the rest of our lives.  God keeps reminding me that I am not my own but I keep taking Me back.  This time it is harder to submit to His will.  This time it's harder to trust.  Not because of something He has done but because of something I did not.  I did not look to Him when I felt myslef going down the tube.  I did not look to Him when I needed wisdom and power to make important decisions in my life.  I died.  I became this empty shell needing to be filled but kept allowing myself to be filled with emptiness (if that makes sense). 

Tuning in and standing by is what needs to happen.  Can I do it?  The Bible says I can but do I believe it?  The feelings of urgency are overwhelming but that quiet little voice keeps telling me, "You can do this if you let me...lead."  Trust me, that "me" is not me but Him.